Tired? Or Something else...

These days feel very tired, I feel tired no matter how long I sleep. I thought this might just be the accumulated fatigue from all those sleepless nights, and I said to myself :"nothing to worry about, everything will be just fine after a few long naps."

Well I thought wrong, this "tiredness" doesn't seemed to be going away even after few days of hibernation. Its beginning to affect my daily life, I find myself wandering off in everything that I do like playing CABAL, studying, paying attention in class. My eyes are looking straight but my mind is somewhere else, thinking about stuff that doesn't even matter to me.

Maybe this recent spousal situation shift has taken a bigger toll on me than I realize. Come to think of it, right after that shift, I felt a huge sense of emptiness boiling inside of me. I feel like a hole as emerge in the center of my chest and everything good and happy about my life is being sucked into it. As this looming darkness grows, I grew afraid of what might become of me once it devours me whole. I find myself back sitting in the cyber cafe, and focusing my attention on the one thing that has never failed me before, dota...

It's been almost a week now, where I've spent long hours sitting inside the cyber cafe just so that I don't feel this darkness's existence, just so for that brief moment I can feel alive again. This lifestyle must come to an end, I cannot afford to be buried in countless hours of blood-lusting dota. But what can I do? Who can I turn to? Lost and helpless, I drown myself in dota once again, an escape from the reality that's haunting me.

Am I just tired? Is this hole just an illusion? If so, why does it feels so real? Maybe what I need is a vacation... Emily, where are you? I need someone to talk to. I feel like driving up to Genting to cool my head off. Maybe I'll do it this weekend, as for now, I'll just have to make due with this. As I sign off from this first non-poetry entry, I leave the broken pieces of my soul, till this feeling is gone and done, may these fragments of my soul lay upon this faithful entry, hoping one day they might return to me, as a whole.

An enjoyable mistake

While our entwine might be a mistake;
I would have done the same even at re-take;
Even if I end up scared at my every wake;
I'll follow this lesson to where it may take.

As we grow from this unfortunate break;
I feel we're closer, like a cake in bake;
Before it rises to be an impressive make;
It has to be break, stirred, flattened and bake.

As we reap the fruits of our mistakes;
We grow wiser and better after every tough break;
Thanks, for adding into my knowledge lake;
May our happily ever after will only need one take.

What can I do whenever I need you?

I appreciate the watch, I really do;
Looking at it reminds so much of you;
I feel like I have a little part of you;
How warm I feel, just thinking of you.

But thinking of you invokes my loneliness;
Being here without you leads me to bitterness;
As much as I long for your very presence;
It hurts that much, for every time you're absent.

I try to be there every time you needed me;
Listening to you, everything you say to me;
But I can't get you every time that I need you;
A text or "I'm busy" is all I receive from you;

What can I do whenever I need you?
Whenever it hurts just thinking of you.
I can't seemed to calm the storm within me;
Teach me how to be at peace without you with me;

I only know one way to stop this growing darkness;
That is to stop thinking of you, I'll attain peacefulness;
Just as seeing the watch reminds me of your presence;
Putting it away, will help regain my consciousness.

A Dedication To Jenny

Life is not fair, I know, it never is;
We face hardship everyday, that's our fate to be;
Some leaves scratches, others hurts too deep;
Losing someone you love is the hardest lesson there is.

Although they're no longer with us;
They still live through memories in us;
As long as those memories remains with us;
They'll be an everyday part of us.

I won't say I know how you feel;
Cause the pain is too great to be reveal;
When life as it is, from us, it steals;
I hope time as it is, for you, it heals.

Mourn for the lost, but do not give in to pain;
Remorse if you have to, but do not let despair retain;
Move on brave and strong, do not fear the bitter rain;
Have faith and see that there's a rainbow after the rain.

The Promise of 15

Once again I've stumbled head over heels;
Am I just that gullible? A free steak meal?
Once again I'm bleeding as my heart is peeled;
Driven by so called love, I sign the devil's deal.

Why do you hesitate at the critical hour?
Giving out reasons that doesn't seem to matter;
Your pause have brought upon my darkest hour;
I can't help but to wonder, do I really matter?

One thing left now drives my worn out passion;
A promise to clarify, a date for redemption;
All bets are in upon this vague proclamation;
It's double or nothing, for our final salvation.

If so happens we've won this bet;
You'll have my all, with my heart attached;
If so happens we've lost this bet;
Forgive me that casual is all that I can spare;
I'll cremate my love for you, never again to be reattached.

The Form of My Love

As I fall deeper and deeper in love;
I sought your purest image to preserve;
I would gladly deplete my entire reserve;
Just to see you in your angelic presence.

我会重视你所重视的；
I will make up alibi for your every absence;
我会珍惜你所珍惜的；
I will accept your weakness as who you are;
我会维护你所爱惜的；
I will listen to your every sorrow;
我会研究你所兴趣的；
I will be there for you through your darkest hour;
我会接受，了解，和体谅你做每一个决定的付出；
and I ask but one thing in return;
Is that you know and trust that I Love You.

For this is the form of my love;
This is how I offer you immortality.

Fortress of Solitude, Fortress of Love

I build a fortress in my own flesh and blood;
As a safe house for the thing I care most;
This fortress holds my dearest possession;
As I take my stand against my greatest demons;
This fortress was fortified as my last defense.

May this fortress withstand the weight of time;
Forever it will stand, while my love remains pure;
May this fortress withstand the blight of scorn;
Protecting my love, keeping it safe from harm.

While the fortress was build to be impenetrable;
One weakness remains that would summon its failure;
As history portrays, defeat is not of external sins;
My tainted love is the weapon of my fortress's defeat;
If ever my fortress would fall, if ever my demons triumph;
May this fortress be taken by time, forever lost, never to be found;
And may my love for you be taken with it, forever sealed, as my lost relic.